The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Randomize
