ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
