Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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