so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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