i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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