My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
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do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
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I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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