Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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