It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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