Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
