it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
