I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
We need a shit load of segways right now
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
