I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
