Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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