Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
