Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Found your dick twin last night
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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