I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
