If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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