Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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