Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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