u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
