Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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