At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Randomize
