You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
