If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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