There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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