i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
