you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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