So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
