Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
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I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
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He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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