just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
You had me at "let me see your balls"
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
