I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
