youre lurking in front of me
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Four minutes until I can fart!
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
