fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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