i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
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