it wasn't lemon gatorade
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
