Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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