I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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