The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
