I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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