Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
