Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
All I want is dick and wine.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
