note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
operation harelip BJ is a go
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
