We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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