i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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