Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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