i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
