she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
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