Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
