well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
