He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
