you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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