The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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