I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
