The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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