I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
