Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
