Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
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I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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