I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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