my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
