All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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