I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
This can only be settled by a dance off.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
