I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
