Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
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