He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
